press release 03/15/05

The following faux press release was absolutely inspired by the dogged efforts of a certain someone's now ex to show us all his true colors, before tucking his tail between his legs and running away. I was mistaken by the public library as one "Mary Ramsey," because we all know it is impossible to fathom just what my real name might be. Time has only made the press release more humorous. Enjoy!

From the office of her Loyal Governorship, Jami L. Smith, as released by her appointed Chief of Staff, Mary Ramsey.I am here this morning to address the issue of resignation of Vice President Rumph. As Mr. Rumph cannot be reached for questioning, I am the party to release the relevant information from the office of her governorship. We ask that you respect the privacy of Governor Smith, and to believe that she really was out sick yesterday.
Seriously. Not in the bed with her make-up still on. Sick, people, sick!
Due to circumstances beyond the eyes and control of this office, Vice President Rumph had begun to seek employment elsewhere. We were shocked, horrified, and greatly displeased at his behavior, and to say the least his place in the office of her governorship has been eliminated.The files and otherwise personal belongings of our governor still within his property will be retrieved before the end of the week, pending the help of First Lady Pamela.
The office of Vice Governor for the state of N. Carolina is now open. Applicants please see the secretary, or visit the state job website. Please know that for a candidate to be considered, he must meet the following criteria, in addition to being evaluated by yours truly, the Chief.
honest
loyal
trustworthy
not hung up on an ex-wife
not secretly contain shit for brains
able to communicate pressing issues when they arise, not after
practice good hygiene
appreciate the governor, rather than constantly compare the differences in your lives
willingness to grow as a couple
give a good backrub
have a knowledge of cooking (you take her for take-out, and I'll take you out)sensitivity
patience
a freakin sense of humor!
possess faith and good Christian standing
respect and honor the governor's beliefs, rather than hold them against her
be good lookin

Should you fail to meet one of these criterion, you must be able to compensate in the best possible way, although your faith is most important. We don't do sadists or multiple wives here. If you have an unusual growth on your face, or have yellow, pointy teeth, please seek employment elsewhere.
Thank you for your time. Please mind that you cease to take pictures through the windows, or your ass is grass, if you catch my drift.